Happy A-Knee-Versary to me

Last year on June 2, my brief and statistically unremarkable pro football career came to a sudden, expensive end. This evening, I went running in the park for a full half hour. The most running I've done in a year, and the only running I've done in months. I was happy to find that, while it kind of hurt, it was manageable, and the good feeling of running outweighed the joint discomfort.

Over the weekend I was talking to Renee, a Rage teammate who, at the age of 42, is essentially the Jerome "The Bus" Bettis of our team and scored our touchdown in the game against Portland last Saturday (after a great pass play set it up). She is doing all this with a knee brace and a torn ACL. Obviously she loves playing football way, way more than I did, and accordingly she's way, way better at it. But she made me think that my self-pitying avoidance of all running has gone on quite long enough. I don't need to start training for another marathon. But I've missed the feeling of my feet moving over the ground, of running on a path through the trees. That whole primal thing. Good to have it back.

Go team!

Yesterday I got to see the Redding Rage play the Santa Rosa Scorchers, and though the final spread was unfortunately kind of, well, big, I got to see my girls score. They've scored several times since the last game of last season but this was the first TD I was able to witness. And it was the result of a spectacular Favresque pass completion. I jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs. I've waited so long to see this. And I have a lot of hostility toward the Scorchers, call it irrational if you want, since it's not like they're the ones who made me play football, and the season / career-ending hit I took last year was clean. Not even one of the numerous dirty, late, illegal hits that they seem to get away with quite often. I admit that was wishing them some harm yesterday. If there was one game I would like to have been suited up for, this was it. They're lucky I wasn't. And probably so am I.

Coincidence?

I'll try not to mention American Gladiators again for awhile after this (maybe), but I found out today that Ms. Jennifer Blum of the New York Sharks football team and recent Gladiators victory fame is a lawyer. And after hearing her pre-competition comments detailing the injuries she's sustained playing football, I hope she is the sort of lawyer who has really good health insurance coverage. That might be one way that we differ (apart from my never having carried the ball in a game vs. her being the scoring leader for her team, and her being on Gladiators vs. my watching her on Gladiators).

If you want to see her in action but would rather not suffer through the ads and first couple minutes of the show, her bit first comes up at about 08:11 on the counter for this video. Unfortunately the show is just a little too silly to be very interesting for more than two minutes or so. But I liked the fight with the giant Nerf gun.

Age-appropriate activities

I had a checkup with my knee surgeon today. He has a good reputation for his work, and is not unpleasant, though his affect is...warmly robotic. However, today he greeted me with a hearty handshake and asked what I'd been doing (with my knee, I reckoned he meant). I described my activities thus: "Well, I went for a 30-mile bike ride yesterday...I've been doing some weights at the gym...I've started jogging a little (described the jog 3 minutes / walk 2 minutes routine that I might kick up to a total of 15 minutes this week)..." and he seemed fairly impressed. Got a little raise of the eyebrows even.

He said, "let's see, you're 4 months out? If you were on an accelerated program you could go back to full activity now, but I'd rather you waited two more months...are you going to play football?" I said no, I wasn't. Then he said "it is probably best if you stick with the age-appropriate activities if you want to extend the lifespan of your joints and your ability to participate in athletics as long as possible. Women are much more prone to this type of injury." Okay, I know all that, but age appropriate? What exactly does that mean? He hasn't met the elder half of my football team, I guess. But I realize that in NFL years I would probably be about 62.5. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love Brett Favre. He's older than I am.

Then he did his usual knee bending and pushing to see how much sideways movement there was in my knee, and seemed nearly...dare I say...delighted? with whatever he found. "Oh! That's Super!" he said. "I'm going to cut you loose, unless you have any trouble," he said. He shook my hand again and headed for the door. So I don't need to go back. I'm glad we ended on a such a happy note.

The Arena

I have to confess that I watched the first, oh, 20 minutes of the new American Gladiators show last night. And a little bit more tonight while I was at the gym. It's even possible that there is some correlation between having watched American Gladiators and being at the gym tonight. The show has some flaws and doesn't seem to have been all that well thought out in places (you're saying to yourself, 'Oh really? Not that well thought out? Hm).

But one part that was personally quite interesting and / or distressing to watch was the female competitor who appeared to have blown out her ACL and maybe a few other knee ligaments in the first event. "Powerball" is quite similar to football in that you're trying to run around with a ball and some big scary Gladiator chick is trying (quite successfully, in the case of poor Jessie Adams of Donahue, IA) to flatten you. The article doesn't say exactly what injury she sustained, but it was classic: she got knocked down with her foot sort of out sideways, got up limping and tried to keep running on it, then it just buckled under her and she fell the next time she planted her foot to stop and turn around. Something like that. A few minutes later they showed her on crutches with a knee immobilizer. I couldn't find a Youtube video of it yet. Maybe later.

Football seems like a much simpler way to...gladiate. I don't understand why I find the idea of these combative games so appealing, and the reality of them (to the degree I've experienced it) so scary. Maybe when it comes to appetite for warrioring, my eyes are a bit bigger than my stomach. However, if not for my knee and the expenses arising therefrom I would definitely have gone back for another season of football, scared or not. I was less scared at the end than I was when I started. That's something.

football on my (subconscious) mind

I dreamed a few days ago that I was on the field with Brett Favre. The "old" guy has been on my mind since I saw the Green Bay / Dallas game last week, in which Brett went down with an elbow injury and local boy Aaron Rodgers got to step up. "Young" guy did a decent job even though he looks like he's about twelve years old compared to Brett's grizzled mug. Sadly, though not really unexpectedly, Dallas won. Not by a lot. Anyway, in my dream, I was suited up, and I don't think we were actually playing in a game but I ran up to Brett and chest bumped him a couple times, all the while thinking how I could hardly wait to tell my friends (especially some lifelong Green Bay fans) that I chest-bumped Brett Favre! For those not familiar with all the forms of celebratory behavior among football players (and players of other sports, I've heard), the chest-bump is performed by facing the co-celebrant and jumping up and forward, perhaps even with a small running start, with your shoulders back, so that you hit your numbers together. And yes, women football players do it too, and no, it doesn't hurt. Demonstrated here by some USC Trojans. (This photo is intended for demonstrative purposes only and is not an endorsement of the Trojans.)

What's next

Report from week 3: On Thursday I had to lie down on the floor in my office because my lower back was so sore. All the hobbling around finally got to it. I've been using my cane instead of my crutches for several days, greedily wanting at least one free hand, and I'm wondering if I need the crutches to distribute weight better. If they might have some function other than just stability for my knee.

Heat feels good on the back, though. Still sore but I hitched a ride to the gym last night, where I discovered there is such a thing as a recumbent stair climber, with handles for upper body resistance. Such a device was never on my workout radar before but it seemed like just the thing. Also rode a stationary bike. I can't go fast enough with enough resistance to raise my heart rate much or even break a sweat. But I'm trying to remind myself that the motion and muscle strengthening is the important thing. I get that back, I can have all the cardio I want. I sat in the spa for awhile. All of it felt pretty good on the back.

So as alluded in the heading of this blog, I have some announcements. After much deliberation and cost-benefit analysis, I have decided to retire from playing tackle football. But I am hoping to try out for the position of Official Minstrel in addition to Rage Groupie, and avid team proponent, short of donating further limbs. I just can't do this again. 'This' meaning not only the colorful photos in the preceding posts but everything that goes with them; that it is a stunningly gorgeous autumn day and I'm staring at my bike and can't ride it. And I'd like to still be riding a bike in my crone years, which (whatever some people say about me) I've not reached just yet, and I'll need at least a little knee joint function left to do that. The bit of arthritis Doc cleaned up in my knee is probably more to do with all my pre-football running, but getting more beat up won't help it. And I'd still like to be able to run when I feel like it. I have talked to teammates for whom the opportunity to tear 'em down on the field is so satisfying as to be worth the risks. Maybe if I were a bit more aggressive in spirit and burly of build, that would be true for me too. If I need a combat sport outlet, and I might, I think jiujitsu might be a better choice. Something where relative momentum and mass are less important details. Meanwhile, I want to ride my bicycle.

Which brings me to the next big thing. In May 2008 I will be riding my bike in the NorCal AIDS Challenge, a 325 mile / 4 day loop of the northern Sacramento valley, to raise funds for HIV / AIDS programs. Just seemed like a great way to get my knee rehabbed and the rest of me back in shape, keep my spirits up, and do something helpful, all at the same time. The organizations benefiting from the funds are local / Sacramento area and are oriented toward keeping people housed, fed and cared for. Despite my periodic whining about sore this or that or having to ask people to drive me around for a few weeks, I know that my temporary slight disability is really quite luxurious in the scope of health problems a person can experience. So here is my official Donation Page for the ride. Feel free to visit early and often.

Hope floats

Haven't used the little condo swimming pool much. It's a tad over-chlorinated and often there are people in there, and I haven't been a much of a socialize-at-the-pool person. However, it is a place I can walk to and it's shallower and warmer (and possibly cleaner thanks to the chlorine) than the big creek pool in the park. Decided to give it a try and see if my knee would allow for swimming right now. I have been depressed by my sudden new lack of exercise since "the Pop." And, even though I hadn't yet quite mastered the art and science of tackling, the idea that I will have to wait almost a year before I can have another (legal, consensual) try at knocking the snot out of somebody is also depressing.

Anyway, got in our pool and immediately realized that this injury could be, oddly, the best thing that ever happened for my triathlon. Not that I've quite decided to be happy about it, but I see that it could have some benefit. I can't even cheat with a frog kick right now which is what I always do if I'm feeling lazy or tired. Flutter kick is the only motion both legs can accommodate. I can dolphin kick a little bit if squeeze my knees together and use the left leg to stabilize the right. And there ain't nothin' wrong with my arms. I didn't stay in very long, but it felt SO good, I cried with my goggles on. [Somewhat defeats the purpose of goggles.] I wonder if there is some sort of amphibious brace I could wear. Maybe a neoprene wrap would help. I need a little bit of motion control...a couple times my leg went in a direction that made kind of unpleasant clicking and grinding noises in my knee.

I will see Dr. Komas in 6 days. Since the last post he has received high praise from people I've talked to who have seen him. That's a relief. Talking with teammates who have had ACL reconstruction, it looks like I might be getting a piece of somebody's achilles tendon in my knee. Somebody who didn't need it any more. Maybe in the Illiad when mighty [and sulky] Achilles met his downfall with the shot to his heel, it's not so much that he actually, literally died, he was just so bummed out by not being able to fight the Trojans any more that he wasted away on the couch. If he'd had a swimming pool in his campground and a good orthopedic surgeon the story would have been much different.

The [mostly] walking wounded

I wish there were some exciting visuals to go with this post. I wonder if there's some way to get a color copy of my right knee MRI when it's done sometime this week...be it normal or...Abby Normal. I took a hit in the Santa Rosa game yesterday at the start of the 3rd quarter (we were kicking off, I was running down to meet the ball carrier and somebody else met me first). Can't wait to see the game film because I don't really know what happened with my knee, felt like it buckled or did something untoward, then when I stood up again it felt like it popped back into the right place. Or that it popped somewhere. Tried to walk it off. Played a couple more plays and we were back on offense, I think, and I was lined up in my left side tight end spot and got knocked down in the crowd, was trying to stand up again and somebody told me to sit down and rest for a minute. Come to think of it, that seemed like not a bad idea, so I did. Then our team doctor came over and helped me walk off the field. Wiggled right knee this way & that way and compared it to the left knee, and thought the sore unstable one was too wiggly. Didn't hurt all that much. I'd always thought if I tore something it would really smart. Dr. Dotson said if it was a torn ACL (which he thought it might be but hoped he was wrong) it would likely swell up like a grapefruit by the next morning so he wrapped it and I popped a few "vitamin I" (thanks J.M. for introducing me to that term), iced it for the rest of the game and off and on throughout the evening. Woke up this morning and it didn't seem swollen at all, but as the day has progressed it's looking fatter. The doctor at the clinic back home here in Chico didn't think it was all that wiggly; he thought maybe it's just sprained. Wrote Diagnosis: Sprained Knee on my chart so it must be true. MRI Tuesday. Either way it looks like I won't be playing next week. Crap.

I went to Rite Aid and got a cane. Nothing fancy or hand-crafted but more befitting my...je ne sais quoi...than crutches.

Oh. The other thing I've not been mentioning here. It's not the elephant in the room so much as the whole house. C is hunting for apartments in SF, having secured employment there. Please think good thoughts and / or prayers, as you are inclined, for her successful housing hunt and peace of mind. And save a few for Lefty too. It's a hard change.

stole a game pic from blog o' my sis

M.A. snapped this one in Seattle of me and Dante, one of my heroes. You should see this woman take down people two...or three...or four?...times her size. She's a human cannonball. Because when she gets there, she doesn't pause and reflect, and if the ball carriers she homes in on want to go anywhere, they have to take her with them. When I grow up I want to be like that.

Whupped

My strategy to psyche out Seattle by wearing my "Mount St. Helens" baseball hat in the parking lot before the game was of limited effect (though who knows, maybe that one time their kicker missed her point after attempt, she was thinking about my Mount St. Helens hat). We were beaten pretty badly and it seems like the beating started before the game did. Word on the street was that the Seattle team was all that & a bag of chips. As if I needed to be more intimidated than I would have been anyway. Last year in the Seattle game one of our players broke her leg. I was thinking about that too, i.e. 'here we go against a gang of leg-breakers.'

The ways in which we need to and can realistically improve are becoming more clear. It's not for lack of strength or speed that we lost that badly. I think we had trouble holding it together under game pressure. We've still been lacking in full scrimmage opportunities (Saturday's game was full scrimmage #2, the game two weeks ago was #1). This has got to change--I was still hesitant, especially for my first few plays on defense, about the whole crash-into-people-at-full-speed concept though I DID have a really good crash in the game that resulted in stopping my opponent's forward progress (even though it knocked me back a bit), and I tell you what, Spongebob Squarepants himself couldn't have soaked up the resulting praise and congratulations from my teammates better than I did.

Plus, look how mean I looked before the game. I am making progress. I was scared pretty much the entire 60 minutes. I have new-found appreciation for the people who played not only both ways but on special teams kickoff return too. I thought physically I could handle going both ways but I didn't figure on how mentally challenging it would be to stay out there from receiver to cornerback, and I had the luxury of not being on the kickoff return team on top of that. Several of my warrior companions just played right on through the whole damn game, both ways and Sundays. My helmet's off to you. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the film of the game and comparing it to the first film. I spent more time down on the turf this time; while that isn't in itself the ultimate goal I think it's another sign of progress.

One other big high point was having my travelin' sis M.A. and a couple of her Seattle buddies at the game who were willing to root for the visitors. Thanks M.A. et al for your enthusiasm & good cheer. [TSBD!]

Does this happen in the NFL?

I'm thinking probably not, what with all their fancy lockers and facilities that probably have no cats roaming freely around the premises. The jersey over the pads (I learned right away that you do NOT try to put on your jersey when your shoulder pads are already on--they must go together) creates such an inviting (if not pleasantly scented) small space for Amonke, Our Lady of Small Spaces. Took these before the game 2 weeks ago. I guess it will be a strictly homegame phenomenon. Leaving for Seattle on Friday morning and I doubt any cats will be with us in the van, they aren't big on away games. Too bad.

Released from Civic Duties

Got summoned to appear for jury duty yesterday. It was a very special "Juror Appreciation Day" which means that they offered free cookies, coffee and pens in addition to having the chief Court Clerk and a couple judges come in to the assembly room to express their appreciation. They were selecting the jury for a murder trial. The Deputy D.A. prosecuting the case smiled at me when I entered the courtroom (we were both in the women's triathlon training group for awhile); smiled as if to say, in a friendly way, 'Hi Emily, Bye Emily...' but it turns out she was able to use her peremptory challenges on some other suspected bleeding heart liberal(s) because the trial schedule conflicted with FOOTBALL. The judge had everyone with a "hardship" stand up and say so. In between, "Your Honor, I run a ___________ business and we'll go under if I'm gone this week," and "Your Honor, my son is getting married on Saturday" (trial on Friday in addition to the other days) there was, "Your Honor, uh, I'm a starting wide receiver for the Redding Rage professional women's football team and we leave for an away game in Seattle on Friday morning." The judge clarified that I was playing for Redding and then asked if Chico had a team. I said no. Good thing, he said, because if I were a rival of any Chico team he would not grant the "hardship." Fortunately there was a large pool of possible jurors and only one trial to select for. The judge granted everyone's request to be excused due to "hardship." I may never know what he really thought of mine, and I suppose he's heard both stranger and more frivolous excuses. I'm sorry to miss what opportunity I may have had to watch the trial--but the odds of my being seated were probably comparable to my odds of being put in the game as a Center or Nose Guard. Not so likely.

60 minutes

After our sound but educational loss (0 to 40 - something, 43 or 46 I think) a coach pointed out that high school and college boys don't play football for a full hour. Just us and the NFL. Of course the 60 minutes of time clock equals at least two hours with time outs and halftime and all the other bits that work into it.

Wow.

I think I was so overwhelmed by the number of people on the field, being accustomed to running into imaginary targets, that it was hard to remember some of the things I'd actually practiced. The pace of it made my head spin. My personal high points of the game were when I played some defense in the second half / last quarter and got knocked down a couple times by Corvallis' blockers for their runningback. I say high points because I knew that at least I was in the right place and moving in the right direction for them to bother knocking me down. I felt like I was really playing when that happened. And hopefully next time I'll remember that I'm supposed to hit the blockers before they hit me.

More than anything I am blown away by the grit of my comrades. I went in on defense because the cornerback had also been playing receiver and tailback most of the game and she was exhausted.

We need all our players to come to practice, all the time, so that we can keep learning real football instead of pantomime, and I think we'll make great progress.

T minus 6 hours

In about an hour I'll be getting on road to the field. We're feeling thankful for a field to play on at this point...maybe I'll recap that story later. I'm nervous and not really hungry but it's going to be a long evening so I'm having mac & cheese (Annie's Organic Shells & Cheddar, the meal of champions, of course. Maybe I should approach them about sponsorship opportunities.)

We had a team meeting last night to put our new logo stickers on our helmets. The company that we ordered our homegame jerseys from blew it so we're wearing our away-game whites, but ya know, it's what's on the inside that'll count, I think.

Can't find the cable to connect my camera with the laptop right now...so stay tuned for the photos.

Updated Roster

Introducing the 2007 Redding Rage. Two weeks until game day. Hoping it rains, at least for awhile, on our practice tomorrow--my white practice jersey is still far too white.

Zen and the art of tackling

Thursday nights are all about the D, which means tackling practice. A teammate told me I'm making progress; I have gone from stopping completely before impact, to slowing down before impact, to hesitating just before for impact and then lunging forward. We did an angle-tackling drill where the ball carrier gets a small lead, then cuts up the sideline and the defender is supposed to intercept and destroy (or at least knock her out of bounds.

I tried this several times, the coach having me go back and do it again on the same turn because I was still too hesitant or my angle was too deep. Then I got a good one.

I wasn't able to repeat the experience for the rest of the drill, but the fact that it happened was very encouraging. It was so smooth, almost like flopping into a bed, fast but sort of in slow motion and almost like I watched it happen from somewhere else. Quiet mind. Or maybe the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan would call it "Calm - Assertive." I just ran right through our running back and hugged her. Then we were on the ground. Coach said "How did that feel?" and I said "Good!"

Conversely when one is carrying the ball (we switched back and forth) I had to remind myself that I had some momentum in my favor too...that it is likely to turn out better if I...if I hit them before they hit me? That part of it might not sound very Zen but I think the typical head chatter I have is not very Zen either, and not helpful. "Oh dear...I'm scared I'm going to be hit...I'm going to be hit...I'm going to fall down...is it going to hurt?...oh dear...I'm scared" and as many repetitions will fit into the 3 - 4 seconds the whole thing lasts. Not quite the right mental approach. Rather, I should be as an Uncarved Block (on wheels, holding a football).

Time to go back to practice. Saturdays are Game Days (meaning we've gotta practice as if we're running both ways for a whole game, which is what some or all of us who aren't on crutches will probably need to do).

Pigskin: a new fragrance for women

I have observed a phenomenon whenever I mention football playing or football practice in "mixed" company...the male half of the other couple will scrape his toe on the ground and say to me, "well, if you ever want to toss a football around...." I had no idea that this urge / need was nearly as universal as it appears to be. We can scarcely step outside, football in tow, without some guy drooling and asking us please, will we throw to him?

Okay I'm exaggerating just a tiny bit but not really that much. I had a moment of vague concern that the late-30-something guy who asked me to throw the ball to him today was going to try to run off with it and I'd have to perform an open-field tackle, a skill I'm still struggling with at practice. Maybe some guy stealing my football would be just the thing to send me over the edge into the kind of full-throttle hit I'm supposed to do. My coaches have astutely observed that I seem to have a little mental block about hitting. Or a medium-sized block.

We ate bison steaks for dinner tonight and my prayer on the food was that some spirit of the bison would be with me that I might charge fearlessly at my opponents with GREAT momentum. I don't know if a bison would typically be interested in doing this but I imagine once they get to runnin' they don't stop for nothing no how.

entertaining the troops

Last night at practice we were playing "half-line," meaning that we were running plays with one side of an offense and a defense since our roster is a little thin. I was learning how to read the offense as Safety. I was a little bit removed from some of the main action, and left to my own devices between plays I started doing very odd things like "nataraja-asana" (though I didn't know that's what it is called--I think we called it something else back in the SF State yoga class days). My back was sore so I was trying to do every stretch I could think of that didn't require sitting or lying on the ground in hopes of working it out, including several, like this one, that aren't lower back stretches.

I looked up and had an attentive, incredulous audience who had apparently not witnessed such yogic prowess on the football field before. So 'Anything to amuse the linewomen' is my new mantra.

Remind me sometime to mention that yoga was one of the most useful classes (I dare not say THE most useful for fear of possibly alienating at least one cherished reader) I ever took in college...new uses are yet arising!

fear is the mind-killer

Not sure that repeating the Dune litany will be enough to help me get over this "bump" in my young football career. In the blocking and tackling drills we did Tuesday I was a bit...hesitant...just before any impact was to occur. In 99% of the situations one encounters in the course of a day, this hesitation is a fine or even helpful response. But not here. I need to convince my brain that hesitation is more likely to result in injury than if I just charge out full throttle (momentum!). My brain doesn't yet trust me on this one. Coach says once I do it a couple times I'll be over it. I might be a bit gunshy since the bouncing I got last Saturday.